Five Signs You Might Be a Submissive

Vanilla (adj. vəˈnilə): A person (typically heterosexual) who prefers basic sexual intercourse within a committed romantic relationship. Vanilla people have no interest in “unusual” sexualities or kinky behavior (The Cleis Press Sextionary).

You may have been called “vanilla” or used the term to describe yourself, but what if (and considering the scope human sexuality it may not be THAT big of an “if”) you were more? What if there was a hidden desire just under the surface that is itching to be scratched, explored, and opened up for your enjoyment and the pleasure of others/your partner? Maybe you secretly are a submissive or have one or two never uttered submissive kinks that send off little explosions of interest in your nether regions?

Whether you know about the BDSM scene or if you only encountered BDSM through the box office hit and bestseller, Fifty Shades of Grey, maybe it’s time you did a little exploring yourself?

While there are tons of options to explore in the BDSM scene, let’s start small…

You might be a submissive if:

1. You like being in charge.

“I want you to write down exactly how you want me to fuck you tonight, darling.”

— “Words” by Jo Henny Wolf

Most people may think that a Dom/Domme is the one in charge of a given sex scene. In reality, it is the submissive that will set the tone, lay the ground rules, and set the limits. So if you are the kind of person who loves to plan and then sit back, relax, and watch the fruits of their labor unfold, you may really enjoy experimenting as a submissive!

2. You enjoy roleplaying (or at least the idea of it).

“On her wedding day, her mother confided that a good wife must find it in her heart to submit gladly to her husband’s desire. She never said how easy that would be.”

— “The Back Room at the Saloon” by Donna George Storey

Ever imagine yourself as an obedient house wife/husband that succumbs to the wishes of his/her lover? A damsel in distress to a shining knight? Or even a doctor’s filthy, little patient? Guess what? In each of those scenarios, there is someone who is a Top (the dominant) and someone who is a bottom (the submissive).

3. You are stubborn by nature.

“Above all things, you challenge Sir to break your composure; toying with him this way is your idea of a game night.”

— “Symphony of Submission” by Jordan Monroe

While some people want to be in charge, others are just stubborn. If you are stubborn, ask yourself, “Am I stubborn because I want someone to push back? To challenge me?” If your answer is yes, you just might be a sub. A naughty submissive may displease their Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress on purpose in order to push a pre-defined boundary a little further by disobeying an order.

4. Sometimes… you need a little push to be as naughty as you want to be.

“For him to grapple with an idea meant that I would, too. For when he pushed himself, he pushed me. When he surrendered to his true nature, I yielded entirely to mine.”

— “Lashed” by Dr. J.

Have you often found yourself in a social setting fantasizing about that dark and brooding hunk in the corner or that super-sexy lady at the center of attention? Or have you had difficulty telling your partner that the scene in the movie you watched last night really turned you on and you want to try it? Regardless of the situation, do you find yourself… wanting to be ravaged by your hearts desire? Do you wish they could just read your mind and know all the filthy things you could never utter? Sometimes all a submissive needs is a push to really let go and embrace their hidden urges.

5. You feel as if you’ve run out of Vanilla options to explore.

‘“And our regular sex doesn’t do that for you?’

My eyes open at the sad tone in your voice. No. That’s not what I mean. “Our sex is wonderful.” Always. “This is just…” I shrug. ‘A fantasy.’ One I would only trust to someone like you.”

—“The Framework of Fantasy” by Sonni de Soto

Were you always the girl/boy with the hottest sexual exploits that are always the envy of your friends? Sex on the deck of a cruise ship at night under the moonlight? Check. Threesome? Check. Orgy? Been there, done that. Even if you have never been into the parts of BDSM popularized by Fifty Shades of Grey there are so many other sides to BDSM and being submissive.

This list was inspired by The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2: 69 Kinky Tales edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

This book can be purchased any place where books and ebooks are sold: Amazon, iTunes, Barnes & Noble, Google Play, Kobo, and more!

Cleiss Press also offers a wide variety of instructional guidebooks on getting into and/or perfecting the art of the bedroom. Here are some titles that may be of interest to you:

As Kinky as You Wanna Be: Your Guide to Safe, Sane and Smart BDSM

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy: How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality

The Ultimate Guide to Sex Toys

The Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy through the Art of Restraint

The Cleis Press Sextionary